WE'd Like To KNow You Better

We Want To Know You Better



Never knew my dad, but those who did love to tell me how much I look like him. It’s always the same description. You have his nose, you have his eyes, you have his ears, you have his head, walk, smile, presence, etc. Those who knew him always seem to find what I don’t have of his also. They say “ Well shouldn’t you be lighter you’re father is a Caucasian man. Shouldn’t your eyes be grey like his? I never knew my father. How come I miss him? I seem to dwell on the small things ‘till they tear me from the insides out. Though once I get over them I’m stronger. As if nothing can ever penetrate that part of me again. Let me, let you in. I never knew my father, I met him for a short period of my life, let’s round it up to a month in whole. He introduced me to his family. The one he loved so much. They did the pleasure of letting me know that.
I called my father on numerous occasions none of them for expenses, but rather to fit that perfect picture which he had apparently painted. Though he tried to buy me off . I didn’t want anything other than to figure out more about myself my origins and maybe people who would love me. So Let me tell you I never knew my father. He never gave me the chance. This has everything to do with who I am and who I am not.
This is a memory That has morphed me into the person I’m becoming and the person I want to love.
The reason I mentioned my father is simply to allow you to see. We don’t make ourselves. What we feel, who we meet and all our experiences make us who we are. We either change for the best or the worst. Something’s we can fix and others we dwindle in.
I try to be a good listener, because listening is the key to something out there in the real world. I don’t know what the REAL world is because I’m so used to my usual surroundings of purple skies and pearl moons. I’m safe there where all conversations are the lyrics to the songs that stick upon the roofs of mouths from people who tell me what I need to hear. That’s not strange, Not here. You live here, you’re the word of reason and the statements I do and don’t understand, but it’s alright, here!
You have to listen because it broadens your mind and widens your heart. If you allow yourself to respect the voice of course. Some people talk without reason though what may roll out may impact you for the better or even allow you to vision something differently. Or maybe I’m wrong. What do you think? You can tell me.
I remember meeting a gentleman recently his name I can’t remember. But he had a distinct face. One I can’t forget because he looked like a person from a reoccurring dream I’ve been having. I had never met this sir before that day nor had I seen him prior to the meeting but something he said stuck with me. “hey little girl, stop trying to impress the world. You’ve done it already’ impress yourself.” At that moment I was a bit lost and gave him one of my award winning “what the hell are you talking about “stares. “Then I comprehended, he continued. “You don’t have to be the best, Just the best you and the others will be compared to you”. Somehow I think I made this person up, he must’ve always been a dream. Never my reality, but who’s voice was that?
Aquarius’ Candice Altovise Alexis Agard … Wow this is who I am.
I am a series of insanity and logic. I always and never
Make sense. Stupid questions make me angry or make me laugh. It’s always one or the other and I’m alright with that. My Friends and Family are my Heroine, I’m so addicted to them. Everyday with them is a good time. Even if I don’t tell them that enough. I’m pretty sure they’ve got me all figured out. Better them than me. ‘Cause if I knew myself that well, I’d probably have to mend myself from failure and breakdowns. Then what would be the fun in getting back up again?
I’m the girl who looks up and sees the good in everyone except herself
And when I fall to the lowest point, down looks good.
I’m also the girl who never gives up, and as long as there’s breath inside me I never will.
So when you see me fight the good fight. State my victory.
That’s Aquarius! Yea like the sign. ::smiles::

Significant Person

Indicate A Person Who has A Significant Influence On You…

My Grandmother was a strong woman. Perhaps the strongest woman I knew personally.
I remember the stories she told me over the phone, and the love she gave all her children and grandchildren unconditionally. My Grandmother who’s name was Gwendolyn Agard, the youngest of 13 children and the first to go. I saw my grandmother fight diabetes, get sick and better. Almost lose so many body parts, but never did she cave. I remember her telling me It was all because of God. For My Grandmother God really Was GREAT and ALMIGHTY. She had so much faith I felt that there was no need to believe she had enough faith for the whole family. My Grandmother Lived In Barbados and never left a day in her life. It was her home and she let us all know. It’s not that she didn’t want to go. Though Nothing could compare to the sweet ripe fruits, fresh fish, and white sand beaches of her homeland.
Even Though I only saw my grandmother once I spoke to her everyday for 16 years of my life. She definitely brought the family together. We all knew it too. There was no one with a heart as filled with gold as hers.
When Gwendolyn passed Away I lost a sure part of myself. So did everyone else. My cousins stopped smiling. I suppose we all did for awhile. I began to hate the world. I hated that she left without us having our daily conversation. I hated that she didn’t say goodbye, I hated that she loved me, I hated that the last thing she said was “I want to see you before I no longer can.” Most of all, I hated her.
I know that makes me selfish, but she’s selfish for ever loving me.
My whole perspective changed. My Mom lost faith and I stopped believing in a whole. So me and my mom find ourselves on a plane going to Barbados. Once again from the Grave my Grandmother brings the family together.
Like I said I only saw my grandmother once. Until the viewing of the corpse, the whole family went to check the body before the wake. It was a day before the wake exactly. Everyone began to cry, but instead of tears being my first reaction. I received a shiver down my spine and I froze. I wanted to say open your eyes Grandma and take a look I’ve finally come back. “Look At Me Grandma, OPEN YOUR EYES GRANDMA, I’M FINALLY HERE.” but instead I listened to everyone say how good she looked in her burial clothes. How at peace she looked. I saw everyone touching her face and her body. Putting there lips on her dead corpse. I stood there. Not ’cause I was afraid, but because I had no memories of her. The sound of her voice was no more than a faded gasp. I had nothing. No memory of her touch, her scent, or her laugh.
I felt so out of place.
It wasn’t ‘till then did I begin to cry, my cousins tried to console me, but I wanted to be alone. I didn’t say that though, instead I allowed them to attempt to console me. My mother told me to touch her, I refused and she insisted. So I did. I walked over to the body as it laid still in such a small box. I felt her cheek it was cold indicating just how … NOT alive she was.
The reason this woman is so significant to me is because she’s changed me. I know I said I hate her. I don’t mean that at all. I never loved someone as much as I ever loved her. No not at all. She’s my angel. I hope I make her proud. No! I will Make Her proud.